Did I meet the one that will help me control the manipulative side of myself. Or will he make it worse? When I go through my sad times which are basically triggered by a certain word. Or he hurt my feelings over something that a “normal” person wouldn’t think twice about he ignores it. If I keep nagging about it he’s really firm and tells me that what I’m thinking and how I’m acting are unrealistic. He says it’s one thing for him to try and comfort me every once in awhile. But if it’s 3 or 4 times a day it’s ridiculous. And if it gets to that point he’s just going to walk away until I have time to think about it and figure out my problem and get over it. And when I’m finished being sad or
upset about things that don’t matter in real life to call him and he will be back. He says he loves me with all his heart but he’s not going to spend his entire days catering to me being sad or upset over something that doesn’t matter. Is this a good thing? Is this something that will help me get over my need to manipulate?
Today I’m wondering if the relationship is even worth it. Is he worth it. Today I feel like telling him I’m doing just fine on my own and I don’t need him in my life. But then I think…neither one of us really “need” each other. We just want each other. So when I need space I just tell him I need a break and we don’t see each other for a week or so. When I start yo miss him I tell him. Why am I like this? My brother and his wife are so clingy and lovey dovey. They work together, live together, do everything together. I start to feel like I’m suffocating after a week straight of seeing each other. I love him. As much as I can love anyone. He loves me. I think. My emotions are so sporadic. Constantly changing. They are only reliable in that they are unreliable. How long will he stick around. I don’t think for too terribly long. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so emotional. Someone who needs so much time to themselves? Will he stay faithful? Or will it be a reason for him to seek out someone else? I don’t know. I think I’ll tell him tonight that if he’s not happy I’ll understand. And not to feel like he has to be here for me. Is that being manipulative?
I’m laying in bed with total silence in the house. But fir some reason I hear what sounds like a TV or radio is on. Why do I hear things? This happens almost every night.
Today started out great. My bf stayed over. He hasn’t been over in over a week. I told him I needed some time to myself. He is very understanding.
Work was good. Except the day flew by so fast. Almost like I got to work then all of the sudden it was an hour till time to go and I had so much to do before I could go. I got it all done. But why is it that I can barely remember the days events? like I slept through the day and woke up an hour before time to go?
I got home from work and the “good dog” who I don’t crate has destroyed the living room. He tore down the blinds a few days ago. Now I have a towel over the windows. How horrible. I just haven’t had a chance to get curtains so it will have to do. And now all the dogs will be in a crate while I’m at work. And I think the little dog has been peeing on the Christmas tree skirt. Ugh!
The house is a disaster. It’s a complete mess. I’m suppose to be minimizing but everything is such a huge mess all the time. It’s hard for me to think straight. I look around and the mess is so loud. It makes my head spin and I just want to go to bed. I have got to get rid of all this stuff. There is too much.
I’m tired. I wish I had the energy to clean the house from top to bottom. I want the house clean. I want to get rid of all the junk. I want to finish my crochet projects. I want to work on my sewing projects.
I need more energy.
I’ve been reading blogs on minimalism lately. I think if I clear all the clutter out of my house maybe it will help with my anxiety. I want my house to be as peaceful as possible so that when I’m there I can sit and meditate and not be so overwhelmed. We will see how it goes. Oh yea…I didn’t get started on the first so yesterday I had to get rid of 36 items. Every day the goal is to get rid of the number of items that equal the day. So today when I get home from work I will get rid of 9 items. Here is a picture of the 36 items I dug out of my makeup box yesterday.
Sometimes I have split seconds where I lose track of time. I’m not sure if I am just day dreaming for a moment, having a seizure, having an out of body experience, just losing my mind for a moment. Anyway. I was on my way home from dropping my son off and was getting ready to turn left. I was waiting on a car coming from the opposite way to turn down the same road. As I was turning behind the car, for a moment everything did not seem real. It was a little hatch back car but it just looked really tiny and strange. Then all if the sudden I was sucked back into my car and in my mind I was thinking, whoa! I’m driving a car! And it’s a monster! It’s so huge! How am I driving this thing! Then bam! I was back in reality and thinking, that was weird. ??? I am losing my mind. Who knows.
I couldn’t sleep all night. When I finally went to bed it was around 9 am. I woke up around 4pm. I had a really strange dream. There were numerous people in it, but the only 2 I could remember were a girl I went to high school with and a witch who was on American Horror Story Coven. There were 2 homes. One of them was a double wide trailer and the other one was a really nice house. My friend and I were standing outside when the clouds got really dark. We looked up and there was a funnel forming. the clouds swirled around for a moment then a twisted formed. Several other twisters were forming as well. The witch from coven and some others ran into his house which was the really nice house. I guess they hit a button and big doors dropped down and covered the windows and doors, kind of like on The Purge. We had to run into the mobile home. The twisters didn’t touch us and soon disappeared. We went outside and saw some twisters begin to form again and ran to the safe house and beat on the door until the witch answered and finally let us in. And that was the end. Not sure what it means or if it was suppose to mean anything.
So, basically this is going to be a journal for myself. It would be really cool if someone else read it, but, it may or may not make sense to anyone but me. I’m going to be writing about random thoughts, dreams that I have, and any other nonesense that goes on in my head.